two thousand and when?

Holy smokes. I feel like my blog is like an old shirt stuffed in the back of one of my drawers that I stumble upon every once in a while and had totally forgotten I owned. You know the one you say "I forgot I had this!" and then wear, only to put back in the drawer later to forget about again?

Anyway, can someone please tell me what happened in 2009 because I don't remember most of it. I sure as hell don't have anything to show for my existence in it. It's as if I blacked out. I suppose this is how people feel when they wake up from a night of total inebriation in which they have forgotten everything that happened past a certain point, and are grateful for that because they are much better off not knowing, for the sake of their dignity. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Unfortunately, 2010 isn't shaping up to be any better so far. It's February, and honestly I'm not sure I'm completely conscious yet.

I hate to have revived my blog with such animosity and senselessness, but that's all I've got for now. 

Brain in training.

So I don't know if I've said this already, but I am now counting each day that I do not have a panic attack. Kinda like counting the days of sobriety. And I can now say....."echkhuem" (clearing my throat to get your attention).... drum roll please.... I have not had a panic attack in 20 DAYS!! Oooh and let me tell you, it feels SO good. I will also add that it hasn't been easy. It has taken a lot of will power, focus, and determination -- all which grew from pure frustration and being completely fed-up with having them. I mean I am seriously tired of having these stupid things, so I have wholeheartedly decided to fight them. How?? Well I wish I could say exactly how I am doing it, but I can't. I can tell you some things that seem to be helping though. 

"Thought stopping," for one, is a wonderful tool. To put it simply, whenever I am having a scary/obsessive thought, I have to stop it immediately. Kind of like slapping my brain in the face and telling it to "knock it off!" Sometimes that even means doing something loud and abrupt --like clapping, yelling "stop," or pinching myself-- to stop my thought process and put it on a new course. It's a process of breaking my brain's bad habits, and it seems to be working! On the scientific side of it, it is creating new neural connections and breaking down the connections I have made so strong that compel me to do certain things (like hyperventilate). Every day is a little bit easier, which is such a promising experience.

I'll keep you updated and add more of my tools on here along the way... maybe they can help you as much as they are helping me!

Happy day. Day 20, that is :)

Wishing I was somehow there again...

Hard to believe I haven't written in a month. I guess I haven't had anything exciting or devastating enough to write about. I just read my last post and I wish somehow I could recapture those feelings I had on June 10th. My plans for July haven't quite panned out, but rather than be dreary, let's look at what I HAVE accomplished...

I HAVE:

...spent a couple of days in the sun (not nearly as many as I had hoped for) and am now maybe a fraction of a shade darker than I was.

...found my dream dentist who is covered by both of my insurance plans and who will do everything in one sitting with the help of iv sedation. And the best part... he's in LA so I can have an excuse to go home for a few days :)

...started reading some of my books and even ordered some new ones on Amazon which should arrive in a couple of days.

So it's not much --not as much as I had planned to do by this time -- but it's something. 

The truth is, all I want to do right now is be in Tustin celebrating Brooke's birthday with her. I want to swim in the Devitt's pool, see my dad, eat at BJ's, go to yogurtland, go to the beach, go to the swap meet, go to Brooke's party, and do all of the other wonderful things I used to do when I lived in Orange but never appreciated. Now I appreciate them. Now I miss them. Now I want them back. ugh. Enough about that, it's too sad. Brooke would want everyone to be happy and party today, so that is what I'll try to do... here... in Napa.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROOKIE!!!!! I love you and miss you terribly!

Welcome back.

I have been motivated today. I don't know what did it, but something lit a fire in me today. My anxiety is still a daily struggle, but I'm not giving up. I haven't started taking medication yet because I know how strong I am..... and I CAN beat this beast. It will take a while, it will be painful, it will be exhausting, and there may be many tears and panic attacks through it all... but it will be worth it. I can do it.

On top of that I have set some goals for my summer. I've been feeling pretty dull lately and it's time to get my sparkle back. Plans for July: 

1. soak up some of the wonderful sunshine we're soon to be blessed with. aka... get a tan already!

2. get my root canal done so that I can start my invisalign treatment and feel better about my once gorgeous smile.

3. order some muscle milk and get back into the gym groove! 

4. start ballet classes again to wake up my poor neglected muscles.

5. Catch up on my reading. I've got a whole stack of knowledge to plow through before Summer's over. 

I'll be feeling back to my sexy self in about 4 weeks. I'm stoked....

Hello Summer. Hello Jenny. I've missed you both.

Keep on Keepin' on...

I haven't posted here in a while. I've been busy lately.... in a good way though. For one, I'm working as many hours as my work will allow so that I can afford all of my new expenses. Shopping?? Traveling?? hahaha -- definitely not. I get to spend my extra money on health and dental insurance, copays for therapy sessions, root canals, and making payments on my student loans. Gosh I love being an adult! I can't complain too much though because things, overall, have gotten better in my life lately. 

My psychiatrist explained to me that I am, indeed, suffering from air hunger, which is stemming from anxiety. Although it is still hard to convince myself that I'm actually creating my breathing problem, it makes me feel a little better that there is a specific label for my symptoms. Also, my therapist taught me some really cool exercises to fight anxiety and they seem to be working.... most of the time ("works 60% of the time, all the time"-- name that movie).  AND on top all that, it looks like I am going to be able to have iv sedation and sleep my way through my dental procedures. The down side-- it's going to cost an arm and a leg-- but its worth it for my sanity. I can make payments :)

I don't think anyone is actually reading my blog, but I will continue to write. Someone is bound to stumble upon it, and I like sharing my opinions and feelings for anyone who cares to hear them.

Sad Day...

My right back bottom molar officially cracked and my tooth is falling out in pieces. AHHHHH!!!! I've been putting off dentist visits for, ohh, about five years now, but I can put them off no longer. Ugh. If you are unaware, I am terrified of the dentist. Absolutely, completely, whole-heartedly, devastatingly, TERRIFIED of all dental facilities. I know, I'm 23 years old, but everyone has their fear--- their BIG fear-- and this is mine. 

I was going to post a picture-- of a dentist or something-- but just the picture alone would make me tear up, so I couldn't.

Wish me luck :(

Call me crazy

So I've been struggling over the past year with breathing. Yes, breathing. Sounds strange I know, because breathing is something that comes naturally to, well, dare I say... everyone? That is of course unless you are actually suffering from a physical ailment or are asthmatic. But I am neither of those things... as I found out today. After a series of tests... ECG, blood work, chest x-rays, the works, I've been informed that I am perfectly "normal." Which for most people would be great news, but for me... not so much. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to know that I am physically healthy as opposed to finding out that I am dying or have a serious health problem. However, when I spend 85% of my day trying to catch my breath and fearing that I will pass out at any given moment, no matter how many times a Dr. tells me that I am "normal," I have to argue that, on the contrary, there is something terribly wrong. So my worry with this news that my test results are normal and my physical health is in tip-top shape, is that I have something much worse -- a mental health problem. Thus far, my problem has been labeled as "anxiety." My first reaction to that-- psychiatrist who wants to prescribe me anti-depressants say what?? (name that tv show). So as of now I am listening to an "attacking anxiety" program on cd, and, call me pessimistic, but it doesn't seem to be solving my breathing problem. And although I am slowly but surely accepting anxiety as a reasonable diagnoses, I am finding it very difficult to believe that I am "creating" this breathing difficulty in my mind. After all, it's my body, and at the end of the day, I am the only one who knows whether or not my lungs actually hurt and how many deep breaths I've taken that day.

Most of you reading this-- if you know me-- probably have no idea that this has been going on. And that's the way I wanted it. Until now. And here's why...

I have a bittersweet relationship with the internet. For example, my lack of faith in Dr.'s ability to accurately diagnose me often leads me to the symptom checker on webmd.com, which leads me to the wikipedia descriptions of the possible diagnoses, which leads me to believe that I have some sort of rare disease that I somehow contracted from Africa. Ok--that's a bit of a stretch-- but in all seriousness, my websurfing never leaves me feeling better about my situation. However, what have brought me comfort are medical forums where people write about their similar experiences. Just when I thought I was losing my mind because of this breathing issue that no one seems to believe exists, I found people who suffer from the same exact symptoms that I do. People who are just as emotionally tattered by this awful feeling, and who, like me, have stumbled upon the only thing that can offer some hope-- posts from empathetic fellow sufferers. It is because of this that I have decided to open up about my problem on the chance that someone who reads this might feel somehow comforted in reading about my experience-- and hopefully soon, my progress. I have found that amidst the frustration of inconclusive medical consults and lack of answers for why I have this horrible suffocating sensation, talking to someone who understands how I feel helps tremendously.

I will be updating you on this regularly from now on. I'm looking into something called, "Air Hunger," which apparently effects a lot of people. It's the closest description of my feeling that I've found so far. If you are interested, here is a link to some info about it.

http://www.airhunger.co.uk/