So I've been struggling over the past year with breathing. Yes, breathing. Sounds strange I know, because breathing is something that comes naturally to, well, dare I say... everyone? That is of course unless you are actually suffering from a physical ailment or are asthmatic. But I am neither of those things... as I found out today. After a series of tests... ECG, blood work, chest x-rays, the works, I've been informed that I am perfectly "normal." Which for most people would be great news, but for me... not so much. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to know that I am physically healthy as opposed to finding out that I am dying or have a serious health problem. However, when I spend 85% of my day trying to catch my breath and fearing that I will pass out at any given moment, no matter how many times a Dr. tells me that I am "normal," I have to argue that, on the contrary, there is something terribly wrong. So my worry with this news that my test results are normal and my physical health is in tip-top shape, is that I have something much worse -- a mental health problem. Thus far, my problem has been labeled as "anxiety." My first reaction to that-- psychiatrist who wants to prescribe me anti-depressants say what?? (name that tv show). So as of now I am listening to an "attacking anxiety" program on cd, and, call me pessimistic, but it doesn't seem to be solving my breathing problem. And although I am slowly but surely accepting anxiety as a reasonable diagnoses, I am finding it very difficult to believe that I am "creating" this breathing difficulty in my mind. After all, it's my body, and at the end of the day, I am the only one who knows whether or not my lungs actually hurt and how many deep breaths I've taken that day.
Most of you reading this-- if you know me-- probably have no idea that this has been going on. And that's the way I wanted it. Until now. And here's why...
I have a bittersweet relationship with the internet. For example, my lack of faith in Dr.'s ability to accurately diagnose me often leads me to the symptom checker on webmd.com, which leads me to the wikipedia descriptions of the possible diagnoses, which leads me to believe that I have some sort of rare disease that I somehow contracted from Africa. Ok--that's a bit of a stretch-- but in all seriousness, my websurfing never leaves me feeling better about my situation. However, what have brought me comfort are medical forums where people write about their similar experiences. Just when I thought I was losing my mind because of this breathing issue that no one seems to believe exists, I found people who suffer from the same exact symptoms that I do. People who are just as emotionally tattered by this awful feeling, and who, like me, have stumbled upon the only thing that can offer some hope-- posts from empathetic fellow sufferers. It is because of this that I have decided to open up about my problem on the chance that someone who reads this might feel somehow comforted in reading about my experience-- and hopefully soon, my progress. I have found that amidst the frustration of inconclusive medical consults and lack of answers for why I have this horrible suffocating sensation, talking to someone who understands how I feel helps tremendously.
I will be updating you on this regularly from now on. I'm looking into something called, "Air Hunger," which apparently effects a lot of people. It's the closest description of my feeling that I've found so far. If you are interested, here is a link to some info about it.
http://www.airhunger.co.uk/
