NYC. OMG.

If you’re reading this as a student or professional I most likely don’t have to explain how meaningful it is to get to work with Ted Gibson. He is an incredibly successful celebrity stylist who has a lot of knowledge and personal technique to share with us. Needless to say, he is also a very busy man, so him personally inviting you to come to New York City and learn from him and his crew at Ted Gibson Salon is something few people are lucky enough experience. Thanks to Junior Style Stars, I have been one of those people!

I cannot possibly say enough good things about Ted Gibson Salon. Unfortunately, I know that no matter how hard I try, my description here won’t do it justice, but I’m going to try to paint the best picture I can of how wonderful it is. Perhaps my favorite things about the salon are its undeniable warmth and its beautiful simplicity. Its enough that they produce some of the most beautiful, healthy hair you will ever see, but there’s so much more to it than that. From the moment you walk through the elevator door into the salon, you can feel that you’re in good hands. You know those people that you meet who you can immediately tell love their jobs? This is a crew of people just like that. Passionate, motivated, kind, humble, talented, friendly, and inspirational. They love hair, they love making clients happy, and it was apparent to me that they love each other --which I think is essential for a successful team. They are committed to giving 100% to every thing they do in the salon, and the energy throughout the day is nothing but positive and infectious. They aren’t just a team of talented professionals; they are a family. And when you come through that door, you become a part of it. There’s something very special and indescribable that happens in that salon, and if you haven’t had your Ted Gibson experience… YOU NEED TO!

Now, even if you know Ted, I can almost guarantee that you don’t know me. So I hope you’ll bear with me as I share why this trip was exceptionally incredible for me, personally. I have moderate to severe obsessive compulsive disorder accompanied at times by an anxiety related panic disorder. It is something that I have dealt with since I was very young, and although I have learned many ways to cope with it and lead a relatively normal daily life with it, there are certain things that I just don’t do (willingly) – one of which is fly in airplanes. So if you can picture this… as I was awarded the Junior Style Stars People’s Pick Award for my bridal updo, within a few seconds my tears of joy turned into tears of complete and utter devastation. I thought, me?… flying to New York?… ALONE?! Never gonna happen! But who could possibly turn down this opportunity? An all expense paid trip to NYC to work for a day at the Ted Gibson Salon! I would have literally been disowned by my friends and family, and shunned by my school. (Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme, but they would have at least called me a fool, right?!) To make a long story short... As I write this I am on a flight from New York to Chicago. And after that I will be on a flight home from Chicago to California. I DID IT. I flew to New York by myself. I stayed in a hotel by myself. I dined in New York City by myself. I took elevators by myself (another fear of mine). And now I’m flying home by myself. And do you know what I’ve learned? I am able! I conquered so many fears this week it is truly unbelievable to me. So you may be asking yourself, why is this girl telling us this? Here’s the thing. I pulled a flyer out of a garbage can at my school, saved my change for the entry fee, entered a competition that I was told I wasn’t talented enough to win, and look what happened! More than I could’ve ever imagined. My life was completely changed by this experience. As cliché as that may sound, it is the truth. If you asked me 3 months ago if I thought I’d ever get on a plane, excuse my language but I would have said “hell no”. Yet, I’m looking at clouds from 32,000 feet above ground and I’ve never felt better. So the point (because I do have one), is that stepping out of your comfort zone can lead to things you never though possible. The hard part is taking the initial step, but after that, God provides. He places people in front of you who believe in you more than you believe in yourself. He puts challenges in your path that are not too difficult that you can’t beat them, but just difficult enough to make you work so that you are stronger for the next one that comes along. And most importantly, He goes with you… just in case :)

As a recent graduate who has a new sense of hope for my future and new found confidence in my mental, physical, and emotional capabilities, let me say this to the students or recent grads out there: Seek out challenges. Look for opportunities to be inspired. Never doubt yourself. You are exactly where you are meant to be. This is what you are supposed to be doing. Even when met with adversity, stay your course. And most of all, let life happen and try things you never thought possible—you will surprise yourself!

-Jenny Kohlenberger, Junior Style Stars People's Pick Award Winner 2011

OCD. FML.

Here's the thing. I have OCD. Not the minor OCD that people claim to have because they like a clean house or they have to put their clothes on a certain way. The type of OCD that no one likes to talk about. The kind that causes me to do things that people don't want to know about. The kind that makes people uncomfortable. The kind that makes my life a living hell.

My OCD symptoms first presented themselves when I was about 5 years old. Since then it has manifested itself in numerous ways... too many ways to count. One phase included me collecting trash in bags that I refused to allow my mother to throw away. In an attempt to stop the trash madness, my father gave me a speech about germs. This led me believe that everything was contaminated. I refused to eat anything I touched, or that anyone else touched. After every meal there would be tons of little pieces of food left on my plate that were not edible because they were infested with germs. From there I didn't want to eat at all. I didn't even want to swallow my saliva because I felt it would make me sick. I would let my saliva collect in my mouth until I couldn't hold it any more and I had to spit it out. I also believed that food had feelings and that eating it was killing it. When forced to eat, I felt it necessary to tell every single bite of food that it would be safe in my tummy, and to not be afraid. I HAD to tell EVERY bite. It was an obsession.

Throughout my elementary, middle school, and high school years, I had various other phases. I went through a phase of neurotic excoriation (scratching myself until I bled). Tapping my toothbrush exactly four times on the counter. Flipping the light switch until it felt right. Putting my socks on... taking them off... putting them on again... putting my shoes on... taking it all off and starting over..... until it felt right. Retracing my steps. Moving things around... lining things up... tapping things... until it felt right. Even anorexia. I would be very focused on one thing for a while, and then, as if out of the blue, my ritual would change, and I couldn't explain why. Many of these things I still do from time to time, including excessive hand washing, and washing dishes multiple times until they feel clean enough to eat off of. Sometimes they are NEVER clean enough. And there are many more things that I do that I just don't have the time or energy to share right now. But let's move on because there is a point...

My OCD had presented itself in all of these different ways that were embarrassing and time-consuming, but they weren't causing me enough grief or effecting my life negatively enough for anyone to take notice or suggest that I get help. I could live with these habits.

It wasn't until I began having severe panic attacks and hyperventilation syndrome that I realized my OCD was becoming detrimental to my daily life. My breathing became such an obsession that I couldn't leave the house. And even when I was in the house I was hyperventilating. I couldn't escape. I wanted to literally die. Over the past two years I have been fighting with this obsession, and slowly it has become less detrimental, and has decreased from an all day struggle to less frequent episodes.

Because of my previous experiences with my OCD cycles, I had a feeling that my breathing obsession would eventually subside and another new obsession will make it's way into my life. Unfortunately, I still struggle with the breathing, and a new obsession has already begun. And this one may be the most awful, harmful, disgusting, humiliating, and shameful manifestation of all.

I am suffering from dermatillomania.... I am a compulsive skin picker.

Most of you probably wouldn't know. Or maybe you do and would never say anything because you wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. Or maybe you think I just have acne. Or maybe you look at my face and you wonder what that is hiding under all of that makeup. Well, the truth is, you don't want to know. It's ugly, bloody, peeling, torn, ripped, gnarled skin. It's the result of me sitting in front of my magnifying mirror for hours, and hours, and HOURS, with my tools, losing my mind as I pick.

For those of you who know me, I'm a fairly private person. I do not love sharing embarrassing things about myself, and I definitely don't like looking/feeling ugly in front of other people. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with, and writing about it has brought me to tears. But I am writing this in an attempt to get better. I feel that maybe if I tell you, you'll hold me accountable. Even if you never say a word about it, knowing that you know is enough to make me want to stop. I am already severely scarred, and I know that most of it wont ever go away, but that doesn't mean I have to scar my entire face. I can stop before it gets worse. I can stop without waiting for another obsession to take over. I can stop now. Most importantly, I can stop in order to improve my own understanding of this disorder, which will allow me to help other people who are suffering from CSP and other OCD manifestations.

Love. Rant.

It is so interesting to me that saying something as simple as "you have purpose" gives people the impression that you are a  hardcore, bible thumping, born again, honk-if-you-love-Jesus type of person. Instant label. Instant misunderstanding. Instant loss of credibility. An encouraging, uplifting comment is more readily interpreted as irrelevant garbage. Why is that? And why is it that because you are labeled as such, you are also the same as every other "christian" out there, and associated with everything bad about christianity. I wish when someone spoke about how blessed they are, or how thankful they are for the gifts they've been given, or their faith in the idea that life is just and fair, that others were intrigued rather than turned off.  I wish it was more comprehensible that a person doesn't drink, not out of guilt or commitment to God or anything of the sorts, but simply because they don't enjoy it, or that they want to preserve and value their body and their health. That someone might actually get enough enjoyment out of reality and want to fully, coherently, experience every moment of it. I digress.

Here's the thing. I believe in the type of love that is so great it must come from a force greater than us. I believe that morality and justice, compassion, kindness, generosity, and everything that is good, comes from something greater than us. We live our lives however we want, we make our own choices, and we choose whether to live a life of love or not, but the reason we have the option is because God exists. God is love. God is good. God gives us the ability to feel happy, and share happiness with others, to feel joy, to feel pleasure, and to see beauty. I know these things come from something greater than myself because I cannot create them nor can I explain them. These are the things in life that are so overwhelmingly powerful and transformative that nothing and no one of this earth could have possibly fabricated them. 

There is hate and evil, and there is love and goodness, I have experienced both, and I have chosen the latter. I believe that everything that is good comes through us as an energy, a force, a being... and I call it God. So call that what you want. I call it common sense.

"Where love is, there God is also."  -Mohandas Gandhi

two thousand and when?

Holy smokes. I feel like my blog is like an old shirt stuffed in the back of one of my drawers that I stumble upon every once in a while and had totally forgotten I owned. You know the one you say "I forgot I had this!" and then wear, only to put back in the drawer later to forget about again?

Anyway, can someone please tell me what happened in 2009 because I don't remember most of it. I sure as hell don't have anything to show for my existence in it. It's as if I blacked out. I suppose this is how people feel when they wake up from a night of total inebriation in which they have forgotten everything that happened past a certain point, and are grateful for that because they are much better off not knowing, for the sake of their dignity. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Unfortunately, 2010 isn't shaping up to be any better so far. It's February, and honestly I'm not sure I'm completely conscious yet.

I hate to have revived my blog with such animosity and senselessness, but that's all I've got for now. 

Brain in training.

So I don't know if I've said this already, but I am now counting each day that I do not have a panic attack. Kinda like counting the days of sobriety. And I can now say....."echkhuem" (clearing my throat to get your attention).... drum roll please.... I have not had a panic attack in 20 DAYS!! Oooh and let me tell you, it feels SO good. I will also add that it hasn't been easy. It has taken a lot of will power, focus, and determination -- all which grew from pure frustration and being completely fed-up with having them. I mean I am seriously tired of having these stupid things, so I have wholeheartedly decided to fight them. How?? Well I wish I could say exactly how I am doing it, but I can't. I can tell you some things that seem to be helping though. 

"Thought stopping," for one, is a wonderful tool. To put it simply, whenever I am having a scary/obsessive thought, I have to stop it immediately. Kind of like slapping my brain in the face and telling it to "knock it off!" Sometimes that even means doing something loud and abrupt --like clapping, yelling "stop," or pinching myself-- to stop my thought process and put it on a new course. It's a process of breaking my brain's bad habits, and it seems to be working! On the scientific side of it, it is creating new neural connections and breaking down the connections I have made so strong that compel me to do certain things (like hyperventilate). Every day is a little bit easier, which is such a promising experience.

I'll keep you updated and add more of my tools on here along the way... maybe they can help you as much as they are helping me!

Happy day. Day 20, that is :)

Wishing I was somehow there again...

Hard to believe I haven't written in a month. I guess I haven't had anything exciting or devastating enough to write about. I just read my last post and I wish somehow I could recapture those feelings I had on June 10th. My plans for July haven't quite panned out, but rather than be dreary, let's look at what I HAVE accomplished...

I HAVE:

...spent a couple of days in the sun (not nearly as many as I had hoped for) and am now maybe a fraction of a shade darker than I was.

...found my dream dentist who is covered by both of my insurance plans and who will do everything in one sitting with the help of iv sedation. And the best part... he's in LA so I can have an excuse to go home for a few days :)

...started reading some of my books and even ordered some new ones on Amazon which should arrive in a couple of days.

So it's not much --not as much as I had planned to do by this time -- but it's something. 

The truth is, all I want to do right now is be in Tustin celebrating Brooke's birthday with her. I want to swim in the Devitt's pool, see my dad, eat at BJ's, go to yogurtland, go to the beach, go to the swap meet, go to Brooke's party, and do all of the other wonderful things I used to do when I lived in Orange but never appreciated. Now I appreciate them. Now I miss them. Now I want them back. ugh. Enough about that, it's too sad. Brooke would want everyone to be happy and party today, so that is what I'll try to do... here... in Napa.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROOKIE!!!!! I love you and miss you terribly!

Welcome back.

I have been motivated today. I don't know what did it, but something lit a fire in me today. My anxiety is still a daily struggle, but I'm not giving up. I haven't started taking medication yet because I know how strong I am..... and I CAN beat this beast. It will take a while, it will be painful, it will be exhausting, and there may be many tears and panic attacks through it all... but it will be worth it. I can do it.

On top of that I have set some goals for my summer. I've been feeling pretty dull lately and it's time to get my sparkle back. Plans for July: 

1. soak up some of the wonderful sunshine we're soon to be blessed with. aka... get a tan already!

2. get my root canal done so that I can start my invisalign treatment and feel better about my once gorgeous smile.

3. order some muscle milk and get back into the gym groove! 

4. start ballet classes again to wake up my poor neglected muscles.

5. Catch up on my reading. I've got a whole stack of knowledge to plow through before Summer's over. 

I'll be feeling back to my sexy self in about 4 weeks. I'm stoked....

Hello Summer. Hello Jenny. I've missed you both.